you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
