What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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