This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
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