He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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