We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize