i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
