she woke up with a sticky ear
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
