I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
