Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
