apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize