I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
