They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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