a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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