I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize