she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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