Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
