life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
