I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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