When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
