sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
