Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
