Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
