and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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