I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
