So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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