I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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