this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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