Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
