I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
