I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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