My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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