This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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