are you so shy because you have an std?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
