if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
