marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
