and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
