I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
