lets start a swedish sibling band together
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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