She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize