If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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