Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
