Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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