i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
