he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
