why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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