I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
