I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
