my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
