she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
