I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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