Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
