So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
