why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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