i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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