You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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