from now on my penis is your penis
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Why is your signature on my underwear?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
