my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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