did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
