Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
