She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
