If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize