At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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