you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
