How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
