just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
