a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
