New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
